Tales From the Tomato Patch #11

We made it! The final story in the Tales From the Tomato Patch series. I had a lot of fun writing these (even though I didn't get a 1,111 word story in the mix like I had planned), and I hope you've had fun reading them. I'm also glad I got to finish them before the year let out. I had a lot of plans this year, and many of them didn't come to fruition, but more on that in my New Year's post tomorrow.

As for the Tales, well, I may well write more of them as Jason releases more albums. So this may not be the final tomato, er, word.

That's the future, for now here's story number eleven, enjoy:

“Almost Time”

I looked for you. There was only the bottle of coins.

Story title from the Jason Webley Quartet’s album The Cost of Living, 2007


Tales From the Tomato Patch #11: The Cost of Living by Christian Berntsen is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.

Tales From the Tomato Patch #10

Story number ten:

“There Is No Number 11”

“…stop all this ridiculous talk about an exit 11, there is no number eleven,” the woman sounded exasperated. “It’s not on the map.” They passed exit 13.

The man drove on in silence for several moments. Exit 12 came and went. Clouds gathered overhead, fog rolled in, making it twilight at 2 pm.

“That’s what he told me.”

“Well, he’s an idiot,” she replied.

After a mile he shouted, “Explain that!” Exit 11 loomed in the glow of the headlights.

“I don’t understand. It’s not on the map…”

Before she could protest, he turned toward it.

“What if he’s wrong?” She said.

“What if he’s right?” He answered, as they disappeared.

Story title from Jason Webley’s and Andru Bemis’ collaborative album How Big is Tacoma, 2006


Tales From the Tomato Patch #10: How Big is Tacoma by Christian Berntsen is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.

Tales From the Tomato Patch #9

Story number nine:

“Goodnight Evelyn”

She was beautiful in her bed, still in the moonlight like a porcelain doll or a statue, with the sheet tucked beneath her chin.

He had traveled through time, space and the myriad dimensions to find her. An entire species of sentient avians was lost in his search, a planet cracked and spread like dust in the cosmos. One dimension was swallowed up by a demon with six heads and eleventy million eyes as payment for her location.

It was all so he could see her again.

And here she lay, breath shallow, eyes restless under their lids, he had only this to say:

“Goodnight, Evelyn,” he whispered. “Daddy loves you.”

Story title from the Evelyn Evelyn album produced by Jason Webley and Amanda Palmer: Elephant Elephant, 2007


Tales From the Tomato Patch #9: Goodnight Evelyn by Christian Berntsen is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.

Tales From the Tomato Patch #8

Story number eight:

“August Closing His Mouth After a Long Summer’s Yawn”

Yuri walked unnoticed among people. This would seem surprising given that he was a large man who sweated profusely even in the cool night air, a handkerchief always dabbing at his forehead.

Yuri was used to the lack of attention, as if he were a tree or a bench or an ill dog in the street, they grazed his body as they passed but didn’t look. He felt the press and sting of their presence.

Yuri rarely had fun, only sometimes in the early morning hours before the world woke up. In quiet moments while the birds flew and the sun rose. Then the air was warm and dry and breathable.

Story title from Jason Webley’s album Viaje, 1998


Tales From the Tomato Patch #8: August Closing His Mouth After a Long Summer’s Yawn by Christian Berntsen is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.

Tales From the Tomato Patch #7

Story number seven:

“Quite Contrary”

The ladybird alighted on the branch above the spider’s web, her hindwings folding under their red and black shard. She stared at her fellow predator, asleep in the center, surrounded by the mummified corpses of recent meals.

She sighed.

“Why are you sad, little ladybird?” The spider asked, waking up.

“I wish,” the ladybird replied, “that I could make such an elegant home as you to trap my prey.”

“Ah,” the spider said, his eight eyes shone. “But I can share mine with you, and a meal as well.”

“Really?” The ladybird rushed onto the strands with joy.

It wasn’t until her second leg stuck she realized what the spider meant.

Story title from Jason Webley’s album Counterpoint, 2002




Tales From the Tomato Patch #7: Quite Contrary by Christian Berntsen is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.

Tales From the Tomato Patch #6

Story number six:

“Eleven Saints”

The first saint was there when she was born on a mild sunny afternoon.

The second saint loomed under a tree when she fell off her tricycle.

As she entered her teens, the third saint sabotaged her first date, thus losing her only chance at everlasting happiness.

The fourth saint smoked heavily and told her weird stories.

The fifth, sixth, and seventh saints guided her haphazardly through her twenties.

She listened to the eighth saint patiently as he worked through his issues.

The ninth saint chatted with her baby’s first saint in the delivery room.

The tenth saint was… best forgotten.

And during her final breath, the eleventh saint was ready.

Story title from Jason Webley’s and Jay Thompson’s collaborative album Eleven Saints, 2006


Tales From the Tomato Patch #6: Eleven Saints by Christian Berntsen is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.

Tales From the Tomato Patch #5

Hello!

Once again, long time between entries. And yes, the Eleventh Anniversary show has passed us by. That's OK, I started the celebration here early, I can stretch it out. For those new to the blog (and I expect some new people shortly with news that will be breaking in the next day or two), start here to find out what this whole Tales from the Tomato Patch business is about. The rest of you press on!

I've been busy with Day Job, and busy with some other matters which have caused me to hold off on entries for a bit. While Day Job must continue, and other matters still prevail, I promise to get cracking and bring the remaining stories to you by month's end. Six more to go from this point, and without further delay, I give you tale number five:

"Clown Car to Mulberry"

They had packed into the car, less like sardines, but still way beyond what they should have.

Springtime was a powerful elixir to the young, many songs were sung of fortunes lost and status won. From the tundra of the campus to the ivory tinted beaches, the blinding white light would not be the same. Neither would they, each secretly hoped.

It’s funny how something so small as a used condom on the road could stop your progress (best not to ask how). And an evening spent on a damp roadside, watching dreaming buffalo float in sharp contrast to a moonlit field of lime green grass, can leave you wanting cookies.

BONUS! Check out the song that inspired it. It was written by Jason Webley with a bunch of college kids while he was on tour in late 2007 and a lot of fun:

Story title from Jason Webley's collaboration with a bunch a show stragglers and/or college kids from Nov/Dec 2007 (Sorry, I have no more information, but if you do let me know in the comments!)



Tales From the Tomato Patch #5: Clown Car to Mulberry by Christian Berntsen is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.

Tales From the Tomato Patch #4

Story number four:

"Artichoke"

The sign read:

The Lonely Artichoke Hearts Club
~ Singles Support Group ~
We meet every Thursday evening.

Bring three artichokes, your favorite recipe,
and any ingredients you need.

We’ll supply the love.

Byron had been lonely, and he liked artichokes, so on Thursday he found himself at a small apartment with a middle-aged mother of three grown boys. They were joined by a former college football star, two septuagenarians (one black, the other white, both life long friends), a transgendered woman, a retired math teacher in a dusty tweed sports coat, and the lovely Lola.

Both the college football star and Lola smiled at him.

He didn’t think he’d be lonely anymore.

Story title from Jason Webley’s and Reverend Peyton's collaborative album 2 Bottles of Wine, 2007


Tales From the Tomato Patch #4: Artichoke by Christian Berntsen is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.

Tales From the Tomato Patch #3

Yeah, this is a long time coming, and I'm running out of time to get these up, so, here's number 3, with a promise of the fourth one Monday evening.

"Days With You"

H. Chang had shuffled back and forth between stovetop and deep fryer and freezer in the kitchen of the Pensive Dragon Palace everyday for nearly twenty years.

His wife had left him and come back five times during the first five years the Pensive Dragon was open. After the sixth time, she hadn’t returned.

Still, H. Chang walked the walk in his kitchen. He never missed a day, never opened late, closed early.

His wife had called in the morning, telling him she was back home.

“I miss my days with you,” she said.

A crowd stood outside the restaurant at 4:30 when she arrived.

The Pensive Dragon Palace was closed.

Story title from Jason Webley’s and Sxip Shirey's collaborative album Days With You, 2009


Tales From the Tomato Patch #3: Days With You by Christian Berntsen is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.

Tales From the Tomato Patch #2

For those who just wandered in, this is the second in a series of stories celebrating the eleventh anniversary of Jason Webley’s first album. This one is 111 words long. For the deal, see the last entry on June 1. There isn’t a “Tales From… #1” , because I didn’t think to name this series of posts until after the first was up.

So as not to be quite as loquacious this time out, we’ll get to the story and I’ll save further commentary for a future post (enjoy!):

"February Relaxing Her Fingers After a Short Winter’s Grip"

Oksana exhaled slowly, watched the tendrils of condensation form, rise and disappear in the air. Her golden hair caught the mid-winter sun and held it haloed around her head.

All about her men, women, children, and animals paused to stare. She paid them no mind as another cloud of breath was fashioned before her, though not quite the same as before. This one was thinner, easier to see through.

The city had all but stopped as Oksana slipped off the ledge of the retaining wall she sat upon, and walked further into its heart. For those who had witnessed her that day, in that moment, hope had touched their hearts.

Story title from Jason Webley’s album Only Just Beginning, 2004


Tales From the Tomato Patch #2: February Relaxing Her Fingers After a Short Winter’s Grip by Christian Berntsen is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.

First things last (edit to add: Tales From the Tomato Patch #1)

Welcome to the end of the first day of June, I hope you enjoyed it.

Yesterday I returned from a ten day vacation that had me traveling from New York to North Carolina to Florida and back home again. It was a good trip, but exhausting, so I wound up taking an extra day off from the Day Job to recover (which I have mostly done now, so sadly back to work tomorrow, excuses gone).

Last time I promised to start exploring the things I love here on the manifesto through a series of profiles, and also conduct a separate series of interviews. This post contains neither of those.

Instead, I offer up the first of a series of short short stories inspired by my favorite musician: Jason Webley. I told you here about the awesome concert of his Catherine and I went to last January; this upcoming July 3rd marks the eleventh anniversary of his debut album Viaje.

One of the things I should have done was write a profile of Mr. Webley first, but time is slippy, and, well you know. The profile will now come at the end of this series of stories, and may be the better for it. You’ll learn a bit about him through the story titles, because each is named after a song on one of his many albums.

One thing you will notice about Mr. Webley is he has a thing about the number eleven. It’s the name of his record company, figures into some of his songs, and in general is a good number to have around (he also has a thing for tomatoes, but I still haven’t figured that one out quite yet.). To honor that, all of the stories I write will be either 11, 111, or 1,111 words long, and, of course, there will be eleven of them all together between now and his anniversary concert on July 3rd.

I only have one written, the one below, and a few others sketched out, so this may well end up being a seat-of-the-pants type operation. I hope you’ll excuse that and know this is all in celebration of an artist I admire and am inspired by. Most of the stories will have nothing to do with the songs they are named for, though some might. Some might borrow a few words, others an image or two, but you need not be familiar with the songs to enjoy the stories. I will try and get permission to post the songs in the future (and if I can figure out how), so those who have never heard his music can have some fun at the juxtaposition.

I believe that covers most of what you need to know going in, except that today is also Jason Webley's birthday (a fact which I either didn't know or didn't recall, but works well for this first post anyway). With that, I will leave you with the first of eleven tales (a short bit consisting of eleven words), I hope you enjoy and will see you in a few days with story number two:

“2 AM”

Tired and bone weary. The accordion’s suddenly heavy.
My heart remains.

Edit to add: Story title from Jason Webley's album Against the Night, 1999


Tales From the Tomato Patch #1: 2 AM by Christian Berntsen is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.

The Under-the-wire Birthday Post

It has been a long, long month. I’ve been sick for the majority of it with a nasty cough that still hasn’t totally gone away (there were two doctors trips and a round of antibiotics, along with codeine laced cough medicine – as prescribed by my doctor, of course). I also missed three days of Day Job due to it. I feel better now, and continue to get better with each day, which I suppose is all I can ask for at this point.

I also spent the past month wrestling with my first novel, as noted in my first post of the year. No, still can’t let the cat out of the bag as to what it is, as my publisher still hasn’t formally announced the property we’ve licensed. But with a few bits on my part to finish up tonight, and a few bits for one of my co-writers to finish up for his part tomorrow, we should be turning in the first draft to our licensor on Tuesday, and I should be able to announce it here by my next monthly posting, if not sooner.

While there is a sense of accomplishment in reaching this hurdle and making it past, it was a hard one to jump (more so than I had anticipated). I had trouble at times finding my way into the story, that door I need to open behind which the words are waiting for me to plunk them down and make sure they are properly ordered. Usually this happens and the whole thing comes freely. For this project it was more a series of doors I had to find, some of which lead to nothing more than the janitor’s closet, if you catch what I mean.

On one level, I think it’s because, while the property we are writing for is spun from a movie I have watched many times and enjoy, it’s not a world which I am uber-passionate about, so I had a more difficult time generating the spark I needed (or finding the key, to continue the metaphor above) than I have with my own stories. It wasn’t that I thought the property not worth doing or that I couldn’t contribute to it, I wouldn’t have agreed to work on it if I thought that (and I have passed on participating in other licensed projects for one or both of those reasons). Indeed, I think there are only a few things I could say I have that kind of passion for where I would be able to slip into the story with any ease.

That was the hard part of the month, and while I await the response back from the licensor and our various readers in the coming weeks, I look forward to round two of the process to work out all the rough spots I know are there, excise the bad, and make the next incarnation as kick ass as it can be.

The best part of January was Catherine and I getting to see Jason Webley perform in New York City on the 6th. He played the Zipper Factory with guests Sxip Shirey and Corn Mo (who has an awesome voice). Jason and Sxip have an album coming out in March, the fifth in a series of eleven collaborations that Mr. Webley is producing with friends over the next few years. It was an awesome show overall, and one of the cooler parts was the fact that they shot a video for the title track, staging a faux New Years Eve celebration on stage before Jason played his set. Catherine and I jumped onstage to join for the filming (something I never do, but I am such a fan I was actually happy to be a part of it – we hung out in the back of the crowd, but you may be able to see my sequined top hat) and danced around, sang along (another thing I don’t really do), and generally had a good, silly time of it.

All right, I’ve got some writing to do, and some sleep to get. Next time on the Manifesto I should have a couple of announcements to make, a few discoveries to share, and hopefully a better month to report on.

Be well.